Re: Off the topic - kids, to have or not - Posted by Glen SoCal
Posted by Glen SoCal on March 21, 2002 at 16:22:25:
A friend of mine said that if she could do it all over again, she would not have had her son.
Now that sounds harsh. She wasn’t trying to be, she’s a good, caring person; but thought that she wasn’t really mom material.
She said, "If I never knew my son, but knew what I know now, I wouldn’t have had him.
She and her husband had divorced, so that maakes it more difficult for her, but she is a VERY SMART, VERY CAPABLE, HARD WORKING women, so her ability to provide for her son (father pays ‘some’ of his support), is good, so she is much better off than the ‘single mom’ strereotype.
But she said that her life is dominated by her sons welfare and she finds many less options for herself. She said that she doesn’t feel the natural urge to nurture. She said that it just isn’t a real strong element of her character.
Her point was, “You have to WANT children. Don’t do it because you think you should. Children arrive on this Earth without getting to fill out an application, it’s a choice parents make. Don’t do it because you think you should. It’s along road. It’s a big, big important responsibility. You shouldn’t go in half hearted. If you have any doubt, don’t do it.”
She said, "Even though I’m a 100% percent good mom, and my son gets my love and attention, it’s not, looking back, what I would choose for my life again.
I asked, “If you could turn back the clock, …make that conscious decision, would you?”
She said, “No, I wouldn’t change it.”
That may gratify some. But her reasoning was this.
She said, “Now, I know my son, and love my son. I could not make that decision… to reverse his existence. I love him, and want the best for him, and I’ll do what ever I can to give him all the opportunities to grow and be happy. But, somehow, if I could know what I know now, without having the experience of knowing my son, given the things I feel I miss, it is more important to me to have the experiences that don’t include being a parent, compared to the ones that do.”
We are old friends. She said that she can’t have this conversation openly very often. It isn’t received well.
Personally as a hedonist, I enjoy my life, my freedom. I don’t have kids. I’m free to do what ever I please, when I please, and with all the money I feel like throwing at whatever whim I have. I’ve traveled 13 countries for extended periods (sometimes more than a month)…excluding business trips. I went to Turkey last year at the drop of a hat. I eat out, I sleep in on weekends, etc…
However, I don’t share my friends feelings about children. But I’ve never had kids, so I don’t know what she knows.
To get that experience, you have to dive in completely.
Babysitting, isn’t the same I hear cause you can go home after and leave the kids behind. There aint no all or nuthin’. It’s all. You can’t ‘undive’ into the pool, put the paste back in the tube, put the baby back in there.
And once you have your kids, you love’em, can’t live without them…I’d say “yada,yada”, because that’s what parents will say without fail. They saw the look on their kids faces, …they love them, it’s over. It’s like a brain transplant, I guess.
So, there is my non-answer also. I’ve wrestled with it myself. And if my girlfriend gets pregnant, the question will be academic.
And maybe before you know it, you guys will get pregnant and get a brain transplant too!
I wish the bestof luck to you both.
ps…My brother did a 9-5 for a long time, but started rehabbing three years ago. He said it’s great. He can be flexible…there for the kids when they NEED him, take them to school, go to their functions without missing a-one-of-them. One of my investor friends brings his 3 year-old daughter with him while looking for houses. She says, “That’s a pretty house, are we going to buy that one, Daddy?”
Got to love her already, an investor in the making.
But as Tim, I think, posted. You could adopt. And that is a mouthful statement. Because if you think about it, you are not being selfish when adopting. It’s not just a ‘sew my seed’ procreation thing or the need to weigh-in as having given birth. It’s usually an un, un, unselfish, conscious decision to find a child to rear and nurture and love. The adopted child is not one that will be an extension of your gene pool, or a grandchild your parents will look to find features familiar to theirs.
Tim’s question is a very good one. Would you adopt a child if it was your only option to have one?
Now I’m confused.